I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”