That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
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The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*