Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.