Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
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Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]