I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.