Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer