Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
You Might Also Like
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
They’re on their honeymoon
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.