4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
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Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.