I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
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You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.