*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Canada has crack?
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”