[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
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“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
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Every haunted house movie:
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc