Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.