Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
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The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
can’t catch a break
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual