Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
@funTweeters I am at your service….
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?