WTF IS AN ACRONYM
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A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.