breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!