Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
found this cool rock hiking today
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.