I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
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(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
This is true.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.