gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
You Might Also Like
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
A French press is when you hug naked
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]