Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
You Might Also Like
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van