I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
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“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Finally! 😈
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu