Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.