“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
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it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here