Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
he’s doing your taxes
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.