Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?