Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
guys i’ve cracked the code
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”