[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Yup!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.