the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
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*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Worth the read.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
When news reporters do sports stories
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU