Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs