Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
You Might Also Like
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
2022 be like
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.