the best thing i’ve ever made
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I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.