EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks