Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
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It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”