Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.