Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
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[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
They’re on their honeymoon
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs