My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
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Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Woke up against my better judgement again
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.