Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
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Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Would you wear it?
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift