Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.