Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
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Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that