despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
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I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us