I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
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My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
“i am a sweet baby”
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
😂 amazing answer
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?