[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
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This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK