as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
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Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
i’m still crying at this
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.