I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Life cycle of cat
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???