You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
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I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go