turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?