You Might Also Like
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.