My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
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50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar