Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
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DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving