Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids